HoND: Lights, camera, CUT!
by pharmacistwhodraws
Summary: Funny things that went wrong during the filming of Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame.


"Alphabet", take 1  
Frollo: D?  
Quasi: Damnation.  
Frollo: E?  
Quasi: Um…eternal damnation!  
Frollo: Good. F?  
Quasi: F-fruit loops?  
Frollo (chokes on his wine for real): WHAT?!  
Quasi: Oops. Sorry…I was hungry…  
Frollo: And Fruit Loops didn't exist in medieval France. Quasi, if you have to screw up, can't you at least do it with more finesse?  
Quasi: I was in a hurry and I didn't get breakfast this morning!  
Director: Oh, for the love of…CUT!

"Alphabet", take 2  
Frollo: F?  
Quasi: Festival? I mean—forgiveness!  
Frollo (drinking): This wine tastes…strange.  
Quasi (slightly agitated): Don't worry about the wine, Master! Let's keep going with the alphabet. G is for gargoyles. H is for Hellfire.  
Frollo: How dare you. (takes another drink, thoughtful facial expression) I can't figure out…why this tastes like this…  
Quasi (quickly): Oh, I is for Ignoramus. That's me, right?  
Frollo (words slurring): I don't think this is in the script… (passes out).  
Quasi: Woo-hoo! It worked!  
(Clopin comes charging onstage)  
Clopin: Good job! Now we're going to put him in a dress and a jester hat and carry him around on a stretcher while he's unconscious! This will be the best Festival of Fools ever!  
Director: Cut. Cut!  
Clopin: Aww, man. Can't we include this scene in the movie?  
Director: No, because Frollo's agent would give me hell over it. Wish I could, though.

"Out There"  
(Quasi is dancing around Notre Dame. Steps on one of the snarling leopard gargoyles and it breaks.)  
Quasi: AHHHHHHHHH!  
Director: I told you to avoid that one. It's the trick gargoyle that is supposed to break when Frollo falls off, remember?  
Quasi: Oh. Right. I forgot.  
Frollo: Why do I have to get the gargoyle that breaks? That is not fair.  
Director: Cut!

"It's the Bellringer from Notre Dame!"  
(Esmeralda yanks off an actor's mask)  
Crowd: Booooooo!  
(Esmeralda grabs Quasi's face, but accidentally pulls off the actor's mask!)  
Crowd: That's not a mask, it's his face! Oh, wait, it _was_ a mask.  
Quasi: Seriously, guys, did you think that was my REAL face! Of course it's a mask! We're acting, geez!  
Director (groans): Cut.

"Grope", take 1  
Frollo (face in Esme's hair): _Wow_…that's soft. What shampoo do you use?  
Esme: It's not the shampoo, it's the keratin treatments. Keratin works wonders, believe me.  
Frollo: Soft…hair… (dreamily runs hands through her hair)  
Director: Oh, just cut!

"Grope", take 2  
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me—gosh, your hands are cold!  
Esme (under her breath, trying to stay in character): It _is_ chilly in here…  
Frollo: You poor thing. (spins her around to face him before pinning her in a bear hug) Warmer?  
Esme (face stuffed in his robes): Mmph?  
Director: Cut! …Frollo, you're being too cute. This scene is supposed to be creepy, ok?

"Grope", take 3  
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me…(reaches in her hair, pulls her earring out, "accidentally" drops is down the front of her shirt)…oh, my apologies, I am so clumsy. Let me get that for you…  
Esme (shoves him away and steps back): Cool it, dude! Seriously!  
Director: Ugh. Cut.  
Frollo: You said that you wanted me to be more creepy!  
Director: Yes, but we can't have you grabbing her boobs in a kids' movie!

"Grope", take 4  
Frollo: You think you've outsmarted me… (Esme is squirming uncomfortably) …but HA! (shoves his hat over her face)  
Esme (muffled): Mmph!  
Frollo: Behold, the Evil Sinister Mind Control Hat! One of my favorite toys! Now, watch as your consciousness slips away and you become a mindless slave to do my bidding! (throws back head) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Director: CUT! (sighs) Frollo, that was absolutely ridiculous.  
Frollo: But I'm supposed to be a villain in a children's movie, and they always do stupid and cheesy things.  
Director: Where are my aspirins?

"Grope", take 5  
Frollo: Your Sun God just betrayed you, didn't he? You poor dear.  
Esme (confused silence)  
Frollo: You need some cheering up. You want to eat dinner with me?  
Director: Cut! CUT! (groans) Frollo, are you even trying? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were messing up these takes on purpose.  
Frollo: It is good that you know better.  
Director: Wait…you _are_ doing it on purpose, aren't you! (realization dawning on him) You want me to keep re-shooting so that you get to touch her again!  
Frollo (getting angry): What's wrong with that? (explodes) I just went through a nasty divorce and I need somebody to cuddle! (breaks down in the floor sobbing) My heart (sniff) is broken (choke) and I need (sob) somebody to love me!  
Esme (kneels down and puts her arms around him): There, there, you'll be ok. Tell you what, let's go get some ice cream after the shooting is over, ok? Ice cream works wonders for broken hearts.  
Frollo (smiling through his red, blotchy face): Really?  
Director: Frollo, maybe you should just take the rest of the day off to get yourself back together.

Esmeralda in the Belltower  
Quasi: Would you like me to show you the rest of the bells?  
Esme: We'd love that. Djali? (looks around) Djali? Oh, no, where did you go?  
(Quasimodo turns around and sees Djali happily munching on his carvings)  
Quasi: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Those things took me ages to make!


End file.
